Hero to complete zero in the blink of an eye

Despite breaking wind loudly Kevin's fate was already sealed

How many times have you thought you were in complete control when in reality you were hopelessly out of control? It is that fine line that I am focusing in on with these blogs. You know the bit when you are walking down an icy pavement with bags of shopping and all things are good. Everything is how it should be, you have a spring in your step and a smile on your face. A smoking hottie even gave you a wink as they walked by. Then, in a millisecond, it all goes wrong. With the precision and grace of an 18 stone partially sighted one legged Ballerina you thunder towards the pavement but not before yelping loudly to attract the attention of the still close by hottie. In a vain attempt to defeat Sir Issac Newton's bright idea of falling apples you think that clawing at the air itself will slow your fall. With a thunderously painful crack your knees part and head East and West as you fall towards the earth with the elegance of a fatally wounded Buffalo. In short - things have a habit of going wrong.

Now let us go back to the fine line between 100% all systems go and the 0% catastrophic Main-Engine-Failure also known as the 'Oh shit' moment. What I hope to achieve with these blogs is to pass on the talent, the skill, the knowledge of how to ride these moments of abject failure and to use them for your benefit. We all like to think we are good at sorting out problems and keeping our own houses in order don't we? We even go as far as getting a discount when we want one, but are we really that good at it? Do we really understand what we are doing and why we are complaining or more importantly what we want to achieve from complaining? How about this as an explanation. 

Do you ever use the phrase, 'Give me a clue?' Or 'I haven't got a clue?' I am sure you have used them both many times and you fully understand what they mean. But do you really? Honestly? Would it surprise you to know that a 'Clue' is in actual fact a 'Clew' or a ball of string as it used to be known! Yes that is true. As in, give me a ball of string and by unraveling it I will solve the problem! To be fair we all make mistakes, like mistaking Deep Heat for deodorant but, like Ouzo-Guinness-Vodka Cocktails in Magaluf it is something you only do once and, you learn from it - rapidly. 

Now these companies who are delivering frankly appalling customer service are about to face a turning tide of peoples newly found agility and even customer driven ability for wanting better.  When people say 'Don't bother, they are too big, you will never win against a big company' these words echo through my mind. Let this become your mantra. Write these words on a post it note and stick it to your screen. Are you ready because these 54 mixed up little letters will, when put in order, give you a reason to fight back. "Just because they have the power does not mean they have the right".

Most customer service experiences at the moment are comparable to a swift kick from a well endowed and particularly grumpy donkey. It does not leave us with a good feeling and if anything, a little bemused. Whether you are buying a pair of £500 shoes or a 99p slopburger at McKingFC we expect good service. Today after spending in excess of £1000 in B&Q I was met at the paint counter by living proof that Charles Darwin was in deed wrong. In his chain of evolution he had clearly skipped the chapter on 'Remote Control Moron' but I had found three of them in one small space. 

The mono-browed imbeciles knuckle dragged their huffing pudgy bottoms off their seats in such flagrant disregard for my customer service respect that I took umbrage. All I needed was a price check on three items. The gum chewing, facially pierced cataclysmically stupid leader immediately threw me a fairly harsh put down line towards me to which his fellow DoDo's guffawed. Once again, I said to myself, is it worthwhile taking up the fight? £1000 in one store in one hour? I think so. So here is how it 'went down' as they say in the films.

'Hello Mr Duty Manager, awfully sorry to trouble you but this trolley contains £1000 worth of goods and your three Stupid Austins just cost you the sale. What are you willing to do to encourage me push this trolley through that check out?' Then I shut up and said  NOTHING. Wait. Wait a bit more. Wait until the Manager feels uncomfortable and then, wait a bit more but never break eye contact and never speak. And here is where the magic begins to happens. His words fell like ten pound notes back into my wallet. '10% Sir?' In four syllables I was £100 better off and my trolley became lighter by £100. Quality customer service is a right. It is part of the fee that you pay to shop there. 

Thanking the store Manager most profusely for his kind actions I left B&Q with these words echoing around my mind and a further 10% discount voucher in my hand..... Just because they have the power does not give them the right to be rude.  

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Pick a fight with a Lion at your peril.

Saying "Who's a pretty Kitty" did not relax Aslan one bit

The 500 year old, moley faced man at the Chinese takeaway always has a poignant saying for everything. When I flumped across his counter with a great deflated huff I knew I was in for a corker. The last week has been about as much fun as brushing my teeth with a claw hammer. Unlike a soldier who's job it is to roam the sandy deserts looking for a fight, I try to avoid them. Sometimes though, no matter what you do, it just finds you. How many times has a Wasp been hell bent on making you freak-out despite you desperately trying to ignore it? Normally this occurs on a first date when you are trying to be uber cool. 

Try as you might the pesky critter knows just where to buzz until you crack like a Werewolf on a full moon and start waggling your arms around like a man who's forgotten his parachute. My point is, we all have our breaking points and I reached mine this week. The old man gave me free prawn crackers and nodded sagely after me in true Yoda style 'A fool picks a fight with a caged lion for it will become a cunning fox and eat you'.

Now we all know 5 + 5 = 10. We equally know that 4 + 4 does not add up to 10. So when someone swears blind that 4 + 4 equals 10 is it any wonder that we become irate as customers. When you know you are right, you are right. A true customer service experience is knowing you have only scored 8/10 but giving in a little to make the customer happy. What seems to have happened lately is that companies are 'Faking care of customer service' hailing 6's and 7's out of 10 as 'Excellent Customer Service'. We want 10/10 and are fed up with being fobbed off with terrible service. Most remote control keyboard monkeys in call centre are now incapable of understanding the Phonetic alphabet! They struggle with even 'A is for, err ummm ahhhh, A Burger' - this was quoted to me this week by Insure & Go. 'A' burger! 

Try this next time you go to TESCO and see what happens. If the bill comes to £100 try paying them with an £80 note quoting, 'I feel that is an adequate payment'. What would they do? They would call the Police that's what. But if you paid £100 for only £80 worth of shopping that is a different matter. We have to pay for what we buy in shops simple as that, unless you are a Chav. If we do not like what we buy, we get a refund, that is the Law. So why, for the love of goats do we have to accept a lesser service from companies but still pay the full amount. We need to retrain our brains as to what is acceptable for customer service. Stand up and be heard. Be polite, be firm and know what you want to achieve. Picking a fight is never fun, but if they come looking for one, give them one.

If I said to you the letters 'STHM, TCHPHR & TCHST' were no longer allowed to be used in the English language would you complain? What would you say? Well my Bank did something similar this week. They changed something but dressed it up to look like I would never use it. But I did. I used it regularly. They then blamed me for doing it saying I agreeing. I felt livid. You know that Lion, in the cage, that is now being poked with a stick and it is getting cross. Cross and as cunning as a fox. Oh and without those letters, say goodbye to the words Asthma, Catchphrase and Matchstick. Have you ever got off the phone so enraged that your polite indignation knows no bounds? Have you ever felt so furious that they just will not listen to reason? Well you can take back the power, it is so easy, try it next time and I will help you.

Last week a Solicitor was not up to scratch and only did less than half his job. When he was paid £100 short of a £3k bill for his failed work, he refused to complete the case. What he did was despicable and was almost extortion. Forced with no other option,like the caged lion the full payment was made. He antagonised a sleeping lion and kept poking it. Instead of holding his hands up he swore blind that 4/10 was 10/10 despite being shown otherwise. Now here is the point, do you walk away? Do you challenge him to a duel or do you stand your ground? Well I say, evaluate and then stand by your principals if you feel you have been wronged. What really gets to me is when people know they are clearly wrong but hide behind an invisible glass shield knowing you will not react, yet they still provoke. 

Well he was wrong, very wrong. Said Solicitor is now the subject of Solicitors Regulatory Authority complaint as well as a Legal Ombudsman complaint. It may only be £100 but right is right, and wrong is wrong. 

Never ever 'pick a fight with a caged lion for it will become a cunning fox and eat you'. Wise words indeed. 

Slowly becoming my Grandfather

"Anyone fancy going to a strip club?"

I stood this morning staring into my bathroom mirror pulling that face you do when you have just cleaned your teeth and despite my best bodybuilding poses I still came to the same conclusion - I am slowly becoming my Grand Father. Not because of extraneous ear hairs or teeth in a glass or anything like that, oh no, not as simple as that. The simple fact is, at the tender age of 41 and a little bit, I am becoming a grumpy old middle aged man.

Things that used to pass me by without fuss or flourish now have the ability to vex me for the rest of the day. Years ago I stood in a Gentlemen's Club opposite the American Embassy in London having just been bought a bottle of Vintage Perrier Jouet. Every time I tried to take a sip of the beautiful amber nectar I was nudged from behind by a tall blonde women with no respect for my personal space. On the 4th nudge I thrust my bottom backwards and sent the high healed blonde bozo flying. Turning round and asking her to bugger off I came face to face with a women trying not to let her false leg come flying off as she scrambled to save grace. The women? Heather Mills-McCartney. But she had invaded my personal space and deserved what she got.She was hopping mad!

Today whilst sitting on the beach reading the paper a young couple came and sat so close to us that her foot was actually on my towel. When I got up to move she glared at me as if I who was being unreasonable. To add insult to injury I was then in the Bank when the man behind me stood so close to me I could actually hear him breathing through his nose. In-Out-In-Out like a whistle on an asthmatic bicycle pump. 

Well I have a solution! A plastic novelty Dog Poo. Seriously. If I put that on the beach next to me I would immediately get my personal space back. If I put it behind me in the Bank queue or even in the Gentlemen's Club everyone would let me have my personal space back. In a way, fighting to get my personal space back is why I started this blog. I have had enough of people taking things away from me that I do not want to give. I just want what is right, to be right. I should get a cape and a mask.

For example, have you ever over paid a credit card by accident? It is quite simple, you bu something, then you get refunded and you end up in credit. Oh by crikey the Banks do not like it one bit. They panic. Credit on a credit card, who ever thought of that. Like sending Superman a lump of Kryptonite for his Birthday or munching a packet of Senior Porkies pork scratchings at a Barmitzfa, they hate it. 

Did you know that if the amount is under £20 banks REFUSE to credit you back? Did you know their advice is 'Go and spent it on something'. But yeegads if you want a cheque it will take them 14 working days but to get it you have to call their 0870 number which costs you, oh yes, £7. The answer here dear friend is a brilliant website called sayNOto0870.com which provides all 0800/0870/0845 numbers with a good old fashioned landline number which is inclusive in your mobile minutes. 

It just gets me that we entrust Banks with our money but when we want it back, they refuse. Last week I dared to attempt to take out £10k from Barclays Bank in Canford Cliffs by Sandbanks in Poole (the most expensive place to live on the planet) and they said, 'Cash, oh no Sir we don't hold that much cash, £5k at a push maximum'. What on earth? My Bank, My Money, My Cash and I can't have it. 

So here I am tonight staring back into the same mirror actually saying these words, "It weren't like that in my day" - I have become my Grandfather!