NEWS Shocker - David gives Goliath a bloody nose in brave fight

David spotted a weakness immediately 

Do you remember when Coke cans had ring pulls? Do you remember when you would put a playing card and a peg into the spokes of your bike and ride around pretending it was a motorbike? Do you even remember when a 99 icecream cost less than £9? Even in recent years you might remember having to remove a 'cork' from a wine bottle before drinking it. 


The biggest complaint I hear nowadays is about change, 'Their customer service has really gone down hill and was awful but what can I do?' Well I am happy to say there is something you can do. You can make a stand against bad customer service and ask nicely (*not demand you notice) that you want to receive fair treatment and a good customer experience or it will cost them. Quality companies invest in quality customers so tell them this. Sadly things have a habit of changing. Somethings change for the better, like Iceland now selling Viennetta for £1 a go but somethings alas, change for the worse with everything becoming smaller but costing more.

This week a man 'took the power back' when he was so enraged by the poor service he received from a Motor Dealership over his 'useless and faulty ridden' car that he drove it back to the forecourt to demand his money back, they refused and he left. Half way home the worm turned. He drove back to the car dealership and as he pulled onto the forecourt he aimed for the 'most expensive car I could see' and rammed into it, and the car next to it, and the one next to that, and the one after that as well. The result? He was arrested but not until he had caused over £20,000 worth of damage and made it into the International Press. He said simply, "I made my point and taught them a lesson."

Now that is my intention with this blog, 'to teach them a lesson', but not by such drastic actions clearly. When companies start getting hit in the pocket for delivering poor service they will start to listen. I want to empower you, the consumer, to realise your rights and refuse to accept poor customer service. It is really quite simple, if you know how. Like Paul Lewis (The Moneysaving Expert) he has a knowledge that he shares to help people save money, I am hear to show you how to win on Customer Service.

For example, I have just won a truly brilliant battle of David v's Goliath in a straight fight that stuck to simple facts and truth. I defeated single handed a Global Insurance Company who were way out line and all I used was -knowledge. Like a game of Chess played calmly but efficiently we moved from fact to fact until they made an Ex-Gratia payment and settled out of court. Plus they awarded a refund of all policy payments dating back to 1998. You have the power to do this. 

I have personal access to just about every CEO's email address that you can imagine and with a simple email, correctly worded of course, you can win these cases. Over the coming weeks and months I will be showing you, with a mixture of fun stories, just what is achievable if you set your mind to it.

For example = The Vodafone 'Slam Dunk' = Vodafone connected a fraudulent mobile phone contract to an unsuspecting persons bank account and breached data protection. The victim  discovered it and had to close their bank account causing no end of problems. Subsequently they complained and requested £1000 compensation. After a few emails, Vodafone settled on £500. Not bad work for 4 emails! 

Lastly, as I described to a complainant yesterday before you make a complaint you have to ask yourself these questions.

1. Do I really believe I have been wronged?
2. What will I gain by complaining? 
3. What do I want to achieve? Money? Retribution? Peace Of Mind?
4. Do I feel so enraged/upset/vexated/aggrieved that I want to do this?

If the answer is YES then you are already half way there! 

To complain or not to complain - When is the question?

"What do you mean I'm a Psycho girlfriend"

Standing at the front of a queue of drunken Friday night revelers with a soggy burger in one hand and a bored girlfriend in the other is perhaps not the best time to 'register your formal complaint of disapporval' with Jonnie No Stars. If you have not heard of 'Jonnie No Stars' before this is the sub-species of humanity often found dispensing items claimed as food from behind the counter of such eateries as MacDoogles.

Jonnie is of such low intelligence that he has 'No Stars' on his name badge, none, nada, not one. He does not even have one star eagerly awarded for sweeping the floors. He is of such low intelligence that his confused expression and furrowed brow are purely as a result of him trying to remember to breathe in, and then out again and to repeat the process to avoid dying. Something which the mono-browed neanderthal is clearly struggling with.

My point is, before entering into a complaint process with someone, always choose your fight carefully, choose your timing and choose your intended target wisely. An old drunk Chinese man once said to me on a bus 'The Cricket does not start to annoy the Tiger until he is asleep', he then staggered off the back of the bus and bounced, quite awkwardly and I might say and most painfully, down the road at a surprising 10 mph. 'First judge the speed of bus before departing' I shouted after him.  

We are all familiar with the expression - Deal with the Organ Grinder and not the Monkey. Well the same applies to complaining. On a busy Friday night explaining to our dear friend Jonnie about the 15 minute wait for a soggy burger and flat cup of Coke is a waste of your time and his intellect. You would be much better served, if you feel strongly enough to drop a letter into the branch a few days later addressed to The Manager and briefly explain why you are so annoyed as to write. Keep the letter short, fun and polite but above all, include your home address. In 99% of cases, free food vouchers will arrive on your doorstep a few days later.

Simplicity is also often the case. Our old friends Pizza Express came up trumps last week. At a staggering £7 for just over a pint of warm beer in a bottle (660ml) when my super sized 15" Pepperoni delux pizza arrived at a cost of just under £15 I was none too impressed to find it was as cold as a Witches Boob. Cutting a nice slice from my deathly cold delux plate of chilliness I called the waiter over and, with a huge smile and as polite as Princess and flopped the offending triangle into his bemused hand. 

"Would you mind awfully popping that back to your Chef who is I believe some 30 foot away and ask him if he considers £22 for a cold pizza and warm beer acceptable? I truly could have stayed at home if I wanted that sort of experience". Now here is the trick, SMILE. (",) It is almost impossible to get angry with a smiling customer. Hey presto, five minutes later he returns saying you are indeed correct and took a stunning £45 off our bill. Well done Pizza Express, customer service at its very best.    

Harry Potter went to the Zoo

'Wife swapping cinema orgies were slow to catch on'

I remember going to the cinema when there was a lady in a curly wig with a tray hanging around her neck flogging ice-cream wrapped in paper for 20p a go and I thought that was pricey. Skip forward a lifetime and I found myself last night sitting in the cinema wearing a spare of 3D glasses that cost me a further £1 after the £427 'Delux Premier Upgrade Viewing Extravaganza Seat', which was cover in crushed popcorn and various sticky substances. I was there - I was ready - I was eagerly looking forward to swallowing uncomfortably every time Hermione Granger's minuscule cleavage dropped into shot. I have seen her on the internet you know! Harry Potter The Deathly Hallows Part II had my name on it and I was excited. Then it started to go wrong.

The Odeon cinema in Bournemouth is huge and you can hear a mouse blow off if you listen carefully but we were about to be invaded and the peace and silence abruptly ended. The cause of this cessation of silence was not one but a whopping 300 Spanish foreign language students. In they rolled and immediately took up camp in my Delux Premier Upgrade Viewing Extravaganza Seating Area. The cinema usher lady started waggling around her torch like a light sabre in a Black Hole. Finally they all moved.

Next they start unwrapping picnics and sweets and fizzy drinks containers. They they start taking photos, the Facebooking, then 'Shhhhusssshhhhing' each other. One couple a few rows in front even started having sex judging my the way her head vanished for a few minutes at a time and someone started moaning and groaning.

Finally someone stood up and bellowed in true Crystal Maze style 'WILL YOU SHUT THE FLUFF UP'. The film rolled on to groups of Spaniards whooping and clapping at every piece of action. Essentially the film and the ending was ruined.

When we went to leave there was a queue of people demanding the managers blood. I slowly mooched up to the front of the queue and smiled at him saying calmly  'In 41 years of years of going to the cinema that was the absolute worst experience ever. It was like being at the Zoo. People picnicking and having sex'. 

Now here's the thing, no shouting, grouching or bellowing, I just said 'You seem to me like a nice reasonable man and I trust in you in front of all these people to do the right thing'. A few moments later the large group left with free VIP return tickets. The simple truth behind how to win in these situations is 

1. Stick to the facts 
2. Add a bit of fun to defuse the situation 
3. Stroke the ego of the person you are complaining to 
4. Make sure you have only one spokesperson
5. Suggest a reasonable solution
6. MOST importantly when you have pitched your suggestion, SHUT UP and that is where the magic happens 

If you feel like it please forward this to your friends. Many thanks Chris