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| 'Wife swapping cinema orgies were slow to catch on' |
I remember going to the cinema when there was a lady in a curly wig with a tray hanging around her neck flogging ice-cream wrapped in paper for 20p a go and I thought that was pricey. Skip forward a lifetime and I found myself last night sitting in the cinema wearing a spare of 3D glasses that cost me a further £1 after the £427 'Delux Premier Upgrade Viewing Extravaganza Seat', which was cover in crushed popcorn and various sticky substances. I was there - I was ready - I was eagerly looking forward to swallowing uncomfortably every time Hermione Granger's minuscule cleavage dropped into shot. I have seen her on the internet you know! Harry Potter The Deathly Hallows Part II had my name on it and I was excited. Then it started to go wrong.
The Odeon cinema in Bournemouth is huge and you can hear a mouse blow off if you listen carefully but we were about to be invaded and the peace and silence abruptly ended. The cause of this cessation of silence was not one but a whopping 300 Spanish foreign language students. In they rolled and immediately took up camp in my Delux Premier Upgrade Viewing Extravaganza Seating Area. The cinema usher lady started waggling around her torch like a light sabre in a Black Hole. Finally they all moved.
Next they start unwrapping picnics and sweets and fizzy drinks containers. They they start taking photos, the Facebooking, then 'Shhhhusssshhhhing' each other. One couple a few rows in front even started having sex judging my the way her head vanished for a few minutes at a time and someone started moaning and groaning.
Finally someone stood up and bellowed in true Crystal Maze style 'WILL YOU SHUT THE FLUFF UP'. The film rolled on to groups of Spaniards whooping and clapping at every piece of action. Essentially the film and the ending was ruined.
When we went to leave there was a queue of people demanding the managers blood. I slowly mooched up to the front of the queue and smiled at him saying calmly 'In 41 years of years of going to the cinema that was the absolute worst experience ever. It was like being at the Zoo. People picnicking and having sex'.
Now here's the thing, no shouting, grouching or bellowing, I just said 'You seem to me like a nice reasonable man and I trust in you in front of all these people to do the right thing'. A few moments later the large group left with free VIP return tickets. The simple truth behind how to win in these situations is
- Stick to the facts
- Add a bit of fun to defuse the situation
- Stroke the ego of the person you are complaining to
- Make sure you have only one spokesperson
- Suggest a reasonable solution
- MOST importantly when you have pitched your suggestion, SHUT UP and that is where the magic happens
