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| "What do you mean I'm a Psycho girlfriend" |
Standing at the front of a queue of drunken Friday night revelers with a soggy burger in one hand and a bored girlfriend in the other is perhaps not the best time to 'register your formal complaint of disapporval' with Jonnie No Stars. If you have not heard of 'Jonnie No Stars' before this is the sub-species of humanity often found dispensing items claimed as food from behind the counter of such eateries as MacDoogles.
Jonnie is of such low intelligence that he has 'No Stars' on his name badge, none, nada, not one. He does not even have one star eagerly awarded for sweeping the floors. He is of such low intelligence that his confused expression and furrowed brow are purely as a result of him trying to remember to breathe in, and then out again and to repeat the process to avoid dying. Something which the mono-browed neanderthal is clearly struggling with.
My point is, before entering into a complaint process with someone, always choose your fight carefully, choose your timing and choose your intended target wisely. An old drunk Chinese man once said to me on a bus 'The Cricket does not start to annoy the Tiger until he is asleep', he then staggered off the back of the bus and bounced, quite awkwardly and I might say and most painfully, down the road at a surprising 10 mph. 'First judge the speed of bus before departing' I shouted after him.
We are all familiar with the expression - Deal with the Organ Grinder and not the Monkey. Well the same applies to complaining. On a busy Friday night explaining to our dear friend Jonnie about the 15 minute wait for a soggy burger and flat cup of Coke is a waste of your time and his intellect. You would be much better served, if you feel strongly enough to drop a letter into the branch a few days later addressed to The Manager and briefly explain why you are so annoyed as to write. Keep the letter short, fun and polite but above all, include your home address. In 99% of cases, free food vouchers will arrive on your doorstep a few days later.
Simplicity is also often the case. Our old friends Pizza Express came up trumps last week. At a staggering £7 for just over a pint of warm beer in a bottle (660ml) when my super sized 15" Pepperoni delux pizza arrived at a cost of just under £15 I was none too impressed to find it was as cold as a Witches Boob. Cutting a nice slice from my deathly cold delux plate of chilliness I called the waiter over and, with a huge smile and as polite as Princess and flopped the offending triangle into his bemused hand.
"Would you mind awfully popping that back to your Chef who is I believe some 30 foot away and ask him if he considers £22 for a cold pizza and warm beer acceptable? I truly could have stayed at home if I wanted that sort of experience". Now here is the trick, SMILE. (",) It is almost impossible to get angry with a smiling customer. Hey presto, five minutes later he returns saying you are indeed correct and took a stunning £45 off our bill. Well done Pizza Express, customer service at its very best.
