Hero to complete zero in the blink of an eye

Despite breaking wind loudly Kevin's fate was already sealed

How many times have you thought you were in complete control when in reality you were hopelessly out of control? It is that fine line that I am focusing in on with these blogs. You know the bit when you are walking down an icy pavement with bags of shopping and all things are good. Everything is how it should be, you have a spring in your step and a smile on your face. A smoking hottie even gave you a wink as they walked by. Then, in a millisecond, it all goes wrong. With the precision and grace of an 18 stone partially sighted one legged Ballerina you thunder towards the pavement but not before yelping loudly to attract the attention of the still close by hottie. In a vain attempt to defeat Sir Issac Newton's bright idea of falling apples you think that clawing at the air itself will slow your fall. With a thunderously painful crack your knees part and head East and West as you fall towards the earth with the elegance of a fatally wounded Buffalo. In short - things have a habit of going wrong.

Now let us go back to the fine line between 100% all systems go and the 0% catastrophic Main-Engine-Failure also known as the 'Oh shit' moment. What I hope to achieve with these blogs is to pass on the talent, the skill, the knowledge of how to ride these moments of abject failure and to use them for your benefit. We all like to think we are good at sorting out problems and keeping our own houses in order don't we? We even go as far as getting a discount when we want one, but are we really that good at it? Do we really understand what we are doing and why we are complaining or more importantly what we want to achieve from complaining? How about this as an explanation. 

Do you ever use the phrase, 'Give me a clue?' Or 'I haven't got a clue?' I am sure you have used them both many times and you fully understand what they mean. But do you really? Honestly? Would it surprise you to know that a 'Clue' is in actual fact a 'Clew' or a ball of string as it used to be known! Yes that is true. As in, give me a ball of string and by unraveling it I will solve the problem! To be fair we all make mistakes, like mistaking Deep Heat for deodorant but, like Ouzo-Guinness-Vodka Cocktails in Magaluf it is something you only do once and, you learn from it - rapidly. 

Now these companies who are delivering frankly appalling customer service are about to face a turning tide of peoples newly found agility and even customer driven ability for wanting better.  When people say 'Don't bother, they are too big, you will never win against a big company' these words echo through my mind. Let this become your mantra. Write these words on a post it note and stick it to your screen. Are you ready because these 54 mixed up little letters will, when put in order, give you a reason to fight back. "Just because they have the power does not mean they have the right".

Most customer service experiences at the moment are comparable to a swift kick from a well endowed and particularly grumpy donkey. It does not leave us with a good feeling and if anything, a little bemused. Whether you are buying a pair of £500 shoes or a 99p slopburger at McKingFC we expect good service. Today after spending in excess of £1000 in B&Q I was met at the paint counter by living proof that Charles Darwin was in deed wrong. In his chain of evolution he had clearly skipped the chapter on 'Remote Control Moron' but I had found three of them in one small space. 

The mono-browed imbeciles knuckle dragged their huffing pudgy bottoms off their seats in such flagrant disregard for my customer service respect that I took umbrage. All I needed was a price check on three items. The gum chewing, facially pierced cataclysmically stupid leader immediately threw me a fairly harsh put down line towards me to which his fellow DoDo's guffawed. Once again, I said to myself, is it worthwhile taking up the fight? £1000 in one store in one hour? I think so. So here is how it 'went down' as they say in the films.

'Hello Mr Duty Manager, awfully sorry to trouble you but this trolley contains £1000 worth of goods and your three Stupid Austins just cost you the sale. What are you willing to do to encourage me push this trolley through that check out?' Then I shut up and said  NOTHING. Wait. Wait a bit more. Wait until the Manager feels uncomfortable and then, wait a bit more but never break eye contact and never speak. And here is where the magic begins to happens. His words fell like ten pound notes back into my wallet. '10% Sir?' In four syllables I was £100 better off and my trolley became lighter by £100. Quality customer service is a right. It is part of the fee that you pay to shop there. 

Thanking the store Manager most profusely for his kind actions I left B&Q with these words echoing around my mind and a further 10% discount voucher in my hand..... Just because they have the power does not give them the right to be rude.  

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Pick a fight with a Lion at your peril.

Saying "Who's a pretty Kitty" did not relax Aslan one bit

The 500 year old, moley faced man at the Chinese takeaway always has a poignant saying for everything. When I flumped across his counter with a great deflated huff I knew I was in for a corker. The last week has been about as much fun as brushing my teeth with a claw hammer. Unlike a soldier who's job it is to roam the sandy deserts looking for a fight, I try to avoid them. Sometimes though, no matter what you do, it just finds you. How many times has a Wasp been hell bent on making you freak-out despite you desperately trying to ignore it? Normally this occurs on a first date when you are trying to be uber cool. 

Try as you might the pesky critter knows just where to buzz until you crack like a Werewolf on a full moon and start waggling your arms around like a man who's forgotten his parachute. My point is, we all have our breaking points and I reached mine this week. The old man gave me free prawn crackers and nodded sagely after me in true Yoda style 'A fool picks a fight with a caged lion for it will become a cunning fox and eat you'.

Now we all know 5 + 5 = 10. We equally know that 4 + 4 does not add up to 10. So when someone swears blind that 4 + 4 equals 10 is it any wonder that we become irate as customers. When you know you are right, you are right. A true customer service experience is knowing you have only scored 8/10 but giving in a little to make the customer happy. What seems to have happened lately is that companies are 'Faking care of customer service' hailing 6's and 7's out of 10 as 'Excellent Customer Service'. We want 10/10 and are fed up with being fobbed off with terrible service. Most remote control keyboard monkeys in call centre are now incapable of understanding the Phonetic alphabet! They struggle with even 'A is for, err ummm ahhhh, A Burger' - this was quoted to me this week by Insure & Go. 'A' burger! 

Try this next time you go to TESCO and see what happens. If the bill comes to £100 try paying them with an £80 note quoting, 'I feel that is an adequate payment'. What would they do? They would call the Police that's what. But if you paid £100 for only £80 worth of shopping that is a different matter. We have to pay for what we buy in shops simple as that, unless you are a Chav. If we do not like what we buy, we get a refund, that is the Law. So why, for the love of goats do we have to accept a lesser service from companies but still pay the full amount. We need to retrain our brains as to what is acceptable for customer service. Stand up and be heard. Be polite, be firm and know what you want to achieve. Picking a fight is never fun, but if they come looking for one, give them one.

If I said to you the letters 'STHM, TCHPHR & TCHST' were no longer allowed to be used in the English language would you complain? What would you say? Well my Bank did something similar this week. They changed something but dressed it up to look like I would never use it. But I did. I used it regularly. They then blamed me for doing it saying I agreeing. I felt livid. You know that Lion, in the cage, that is now being poked with a stick and it is getting cross. Cross and as cunning as a fox. Oh and without those letters, say goodbye to the words Asthma, Catchphrase and Matchstick. Have you ever got off the phone so enraged that your polite indignation knows no bounds? Have you ever felt so furious that they just will not listen to reason? Well you can take back the power, it is so easy, try it next time and I will help you.

Last week a Solicitor was not up to scratch and only did less than half his job. When he was paid £100 short of a £3k bill for his failed work, he refused to complete the case. What he did was despicable and was almost extortion. Forced with no other option,like the caged lion the full payment was made. He antagonised a sleeping lion and kept poking it. Instead of holding his hands up he swore blind that 4/10 was 10/10 despite being shown otherwise. Now here is the point, do you walk away? Do you challenge him to a duel or do you stand your ground? Well I say, evaluate and then stand by your principals if you feel you have been wronged. What really gets to me is when people know they are clearly wrong but hide behind an invisible glass shield knowing you will not react, yet they still provoke. 

Well he was wrong, very wrong. Said Solicitor is now the subject of Solicitors Regulatory Authority complaint as well as a Legal Ombudsman complaint. It may only be £100 but right is right, and wrong is wrong. 

Never ever 'pick a fight with a caged lion for it will become a cunning fox and eat you'. Wise words indeed. 

Slowly becoming my Grandfather

"Anyone fancy going to a strip club?"

I stood this morning staring into my bathroom mirror pulling that face you do when you have just cleaned your teeth and despite my best bodybuilding poses I still came to the same conclusion - I am slowly becoming my Grand Father. Not because of extraneous ear hairs or teeth in a glass or anything like that, oh no, not as simple as that. The simple fact is, at the tender age of 41 and a little bit, I am becoming a grumpy old middle aged man.

Things that used to pass me by without fuss or flourish now have the ability to vex me for the rest of the day. Years ago I stood in a Gentlemen's Club opposite the American Embassy in London having just been bought a bottle of Vintage Perrier Jouet. Every time I tried to take a sip of the beautiful amber nectar I was nudged from behind by a tall blonde women with no respect for my personal space. On the 4th nudge I thrust my bottom backwards and sent the high healed blonde bozo flying. Turning round and asking her to bugger off I came face to face with a women trying not to let her false leg come flying off as she scrambled to save grace. The women? Heather Mills-McCartney. But she had invaded my personal space and deserved what she got.She was hopping mad!

Today whilst sitting on the beach reading the paper a young couple came and sat so close to us that her foot was actually on my towel. When I got up to move she glared at me as if I who was being unreasonable. To add insult to injury I was then in the Bank when the man behind me stood so close to me I could actually hear him breathing through his nose. In-Out-In-Out like a whistle on an asthmatic bicycle pump. 

Well I have a solution! A plastic novelty Dog Poo. Seriously. If I put that on the beach next to me I would immediately get my personal space back. If I put it behind me in the Bank queue or even in the Gentlemen's Club everyone would let me have my personal space back. In a way, fighting to get my personal space back is why I started this blog. I have had enough of people taking things away from me that I do not want to give. I just want what is right, to be right. I should get a cape and a mask.

For example, have you ever over paid a credit card by accident? It is quite simple, you bu something, then you get refunded and you end up in credit. Oh by crikey the Banks do not like it one bit. They panic. Credit on a credit card, who ever thought of that. Like sending Superman a lump of Kryptonite for his Birthday or munching a packet of Senior Porkies pork scratchings at a Barmitzfa, they hate it. 

Did you know that if the amount is under £20 banks REFUSE to credit you back? Did you know their advice is 'Go and spent it on something'. But yeegads if you want a cheque it will take them 14 working days but to get it you have to call their 0870 number which costs you, oh yes, £7. The answer here dear friend is a brilliant website called sayNOto0870.com which provides all 0800/0870/0845 numbers with a good old fashioned landline number which is inclusive in your mobile minutes. 

It just gets me that we entrust Banks with our money but when we want it back, they refuse. Last week I dared to attempt to take out £10k from Barclays Bank in Canford Cliffs by Sandbanks in Poole (the most expensive place to live on the planet) and they said, 'Cash, oh no Sir we don't hold that much cash, £5k at a push maximum'. What on earth? My Bank, My Money, My Cash and I can't have it. 

So here I am tonight staring back into the same mirror actually saying these words, "It weren't like that in my day" - I have become my Grandfather!         

NEWS Shocker - David gives Goliath a bloody nose in brave fight

David spotted a weakness immediately 

Do you remember when Coke cans had ring pulls? Do you remember when you would put a playing card and a peg into the spokes of your bike and ride around pretending it was a motorbike? Do you even remember when a 99 icecream cost less than £9? Even in recent years you might remember having to remove a 'cork' from a wine bottle before drinking it. 


The biggest complaint I hear nowadays is about change, 'Their customer service has really gone down hill and was awful but what can I do?' Well I am happy to say there is something you can do. You can make a stand against bad customer service and ask nicely (*not demand you notice) that you want to receive fair treatment and a good customer experience or it will cost them. Quality companies invest in quality customers so tell them this. Sadly things have a habit of changing. Somethings change for the better, like Iceland now selling Viennetta for £1 a go but somethings alas, change for the worse with everything becoming smaller but costing more.

This week a man 'took the power back' when he was so enraged by the poor service he received from a Motor Dealership over his 'useless and faulty ridden' car that he drove it back to the forecourt to demand his money back, they refused and he left. Half way home the worm turned. He drove back to the car dealership and as he pulled onto the forecourt he aimed for the 'most expensive car I could see' and rammed into it, and the car next to it, and the one next to that, and the one after that as well. The result? He was arrested but not until he had caused over £20,000 worth of damage and made it into the International Press. He said simply, "I made my point and taught them a lesson."

Now that is my intention with this blog, 'to teach them a lesson', but not by such drastic actions clearly. When companies start getting hit in the pocket for delivering poor service they will start to listen. I want to empower you, the consumer, to realise your rights and refuse to accept poor customer service. It is really quite simple, if you know how. Like Paul Lewis (The Moneysaving Expert) he has a knowledge that he shares to help people save money, I am hear to show you how to win on Customer Service.

For example, I have just won a truly brilliant battle of David v's Goliath in a straight fight that stuck to simple facts and truth. I defeated single handed a Global Insurance Company who were way out line and all I used was -knowledge. Like a game of Chess played calmly but efficiently we moved from fact to fact until they made an Ex-Gratia payment and settled out of court. Plus they awarded a refund of all policy payments dating back to 1998. You have the power to do this. 

I have personal access to just about every CEO's email address that you can imagine and with a simple email, correctly worded of course, you can win these cases. Over the coming weeks and months I will be showing you, with a mixture of fun stories, just what is achievable if you set your mind to it.

For example = The Vodafone 'Slam Dunk' = Vodafone connected a fraudulent mobile phone contract to an unsuspecting persons bank account and breached data protection. The victim  discovered it and had to close their bank account causing no end of problems. Subsequently they complained and requested £1000 compensation. After a few emails, Vodafone settled on £500. Not bad work for 4 emails! 

Lastly, as I described to a complainant yesterday before you make a complaint you have to ask yourself these questions.

1. Do I really believe I have been wronged?
2. What will I gain by complaining? 
3. What do I want to achieve? Money? Retribution? Peace Of Mind?
4. Do I feel so enraged/upset/vexated/aggrieved that I want to do this?

If the answer is YES then you are already half way there! 

To complain or not to complain - When is the question?

"What do you mean I'm a Psycho girlfriend"

Standing at the front of a queue of drunken Friday night revelers with a soggy burger in one hand and a bored girlfriend in the other is perhaps not the best time to 'register your formal complaint of disapporval' with Jonnie No Stars. If you have not heard of 'Jonnie No Stars' before this is the sub-species of humanity often found dispensing items claimed as food from behind the counter of such eateries as MacDoogles.

Jonnie is of such low intelligence that he has 'No Stars' on his name badge, none, nada, not one. He does not even have one star eagerly awarded for sweeping the floors. He is of such low intelligence that his confused expression and furrowed brow are purely as a result of him trying to remember to breathe in, and then out again and to repeat the process to avoid dying. Something which the mono-browed neanderthal is clearly struggling with.

My point is, before entering into a complaint process with someone, always choose your fight carefully, choose your timing and choose your intended target wisely. An old drunk Chinese man once said to me on a bus 'The Cricket does not start to annoy the Tiger until he is asleep', he then staggered off the back of the bus and bounced, quite awkwardly and I might say and most painfully, down the road at a surprising 10 mph. 'First judge the speed of bus before departing' I shouted after him.  

We are all familiar with the expression - Deal with the Organ Grinder and not the Monkey. Well the same applies to complaining. On a busy Friday night explaining to our dear friend Jonnie about the 15 minute wait for a soggy burger and flat cup of Coke is a waste of your time and his intellect. You would be much better served, if you feel strongly enough to drop a letter into the branch a few days later addressed to The Manager and briefly explain why you are so annoyed as to write. Keep the letter short, fun and polite but above all, include your home address. In 99% of cases, free food vouchers will arrive on your doorstep a few days later.

Simplicity is also often the case. Our old friends Pizza Express came up trumps last week. At a staggering £7 for just over a pint of warm beer in a bottle (660ml) when my super sized 15" Pepperoni delux pizza arrived at a cost of just under £15 I was none too impressed to find it was as cold as a Witches Boob. Cutting a nice slice from my deathly cold delux plate of chilliness I called the waiter over and, with a huge smile and as polite as Princess and flopped the offending triangle into his bemused hand. 

"Would you mind awfully popping that back to your Chef who is I believe some 30 foot away and ask him if he considers £22 for a cold pizza and warm beer acceptable? I truly could have stayed at home if I wanted that sort of experience". Now here is the trick, SMILE. (",) It is almost impossible to get angry with a smiling customer. Hey presto, five minutes later he returns saying you are indeed correct and took a stunning £45 off our bill. Well done Pizza Express, customer service at its very best.    

Harry Potter went to the Zoo

'Wife swapping cinema orgies were slow to catch on'

I remember going to the cinema when there was a lady in a curly wig with a tray hanging around her neck flogging ice-cream wrapped in paper for 20p a go and I thought that was pricey. Skip forward a lifetime and I found myself last night sitting in the cinema wearing a spare of 3D glasses that cost me a further £1 after the £427 'Delux Premier Upgrade Viewing Extravaganza Seat', which was cover in crushed popcorn and various sticky substances. I was there - I was ready - I was eagerly looking forward to swallowing uncomfortably every time Hermione Granger's minuscule cleavage dropped into shot. I have seen her on the internet you know! Harry Potter The Deathly Hallows Part II had my name on it and I was excited. Then it started to go wrong.

The Odeon cinema in Bournemouth is huge and you can hear a mouse blow off if you listen carefully but we were about to be invaded and the peace and silence abruptly ended. The cause of this cessation of silence was not one but a whopping 300 Spanish foreign language students. In they rolled and immediately took up camp in my Delux Premier Upgrade Viewing Extravaganza Seating Area. The cinema usher lady started waggling around her torch like a light sabre in a Black Hole. Finally they all moved.

Next they start unwrapping picnics and sweets and fizzy drinks containers. They they start taking photos, the Facebooking, then 'Shhhhusssshhhhing' each other. One couple a few rows in front even started having sex judging my the way her head vanished for a few minutes at a time and someone started moaning and groaning.

Finally someone stood up and bellowed in true Crystal Maze style 'WILL YOU SHUT THE FLUFF UP'. The film rolled on to groups of Spaniards whooping and clapping at every piece of action. Essentially the film and the ending was ruined.

When we went to leave there was a queue of people demanding the managers blood. I slowly mooched up to the front of the queue and smiled at him saying calmly  'In 41 years of years of going to the cinema that was the absolute worst experience ever. It was like being at the Zoo. People picnicking and having sex'. 

Now here's the thing, no shouting, grouching or bellowing, I just said 'You seem to me like a nice reasonable man and I trust in you in front of all these people to do the right thing'. A few moments later the large group left with free VIP return tickets. The simple truth behind how to win in these situations is 

1. Stick to the facts 
2. Add a bit of fun to defuse the situation 
3. Stroke the ego of the person you are complaining to 
4. Make sure you have only one spokesperson
5. Suggest a reasonable solution
6. MOST importantly when you have pitched your suggestion, SHUT UP and that is where the magic happens 

If you feel like it please forward this to your friends. Many thanks Chris